Chasing The Dragon
by dead.but.true
Summary: Stoner AU. One day, after Lucy, Gray and Natsu, smoking a little something, almost get caught by Erza. After a poorly made-up excuse, the four go on a treasure hunt, only to experience their weirdest mission so far. Crack fic, one-shot. Poorly written, don't like, don't read.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Fairy Tail**

 **A/N: Okay, this is probably the weirdest story I've written so far. I mean, it doesn't make sense and stuff, but it's a magical stoner AU, so what do you expect? I guess I'll put in a few easter eggs, I like that. Sadly, my vocabulary concerning drugs is limited – in English at least.**

 **So, I posted a new story, you should totally check it out! Without further ado, enjoy!**

"Damn...", I said while exhaling thick smoke. "I should have never agreed to that."

"Come on, Lucy.", said Gray. "You usually always join us."

I passed him the blunt. "Of course I do, Gray. But I never imagined that it would taste so bad; honestly, I'll never smoke a blunt again."

Gray just shrugged his shoulders and inhaled deeply. "I like it.", he said and passed the blunt to Natsu, who immediately took a deep breath.

"If Erza would know what we are doing, we'd be dead.", I said. "And why are we doing this in my apartment?! She always breaks in – just like you two idiots – and that stuff smells!"

"Hey, why you got to be so rude? We're your friends and comrades, it's just natural that we come over!", said Natsu.

"Well, you could tell me beforehand! Or at least use the door! Entering through my window is one thing, but if you use the chimney one more time, you'll have to clean that shit up!", I said grumpily, but pushed the topic aside.

"Lucy is mean, Natsu.", complained Happy. He was sitting on my bed, watching us intensely.

I just sighed and grabbed a handful chips from the table. "I'm hungry...", I moaned.

"Let's order some pizza.", Gray suggested.

"I won't pay.", I said, glancing at Natsu. He raised his hands in defense. I took out a communication lacrima and called the pizza service.

‑

About thirty minutes had passed, we were still waiting. The two had finished the blunt, so I began rolling a tip. I put it between my lips and began to sprinkle tobacco on a slim paper, topping it with a few buds. I put the tip down and rolled a perfect joint. I had just finished it and passed it Natsu so he could light it, when the bell rang.

"That should be our pizza.", I said and stood up. I went to the door and opened, just to have the shock of my life. The delivery boy was a red haired girl – Erza.

"Well hey there, Erza!", I said loudly. I could hear muffled curses in my living room. "I didn't know you're working as a delivery girl."

"A friend asked me to help out for today. Here is your order.", said Erza and handed me a stack of boxes.

"Thank you.", I said, taking out my wallet. "How much?"

"That'd be 1000 Jewel. Do you have someone over?", she asked. The sheer amount of pizza gave it away.

"Y-yeah, Natsu and Gray.", I said.

"You should have told me.", said Erza with a little frown.

"Erh, you see, we...are discussing something, and you mustn't join.", I said with a forced wink, hoping to play it off as a surprise for her. Apparently she took the bait.

"Now I'm curious. I hope you can tell me soon.", she smiled.

"Y-yeah, sure..." I handed her a stack of Jewels. "See you!", I said and quickly shut the door. I grabbed the boxes and went to the living room. "Okay guys, we're clear."

Everyone sighed in relief.

‑

After our dangerous encounter with Erza we decided to make up a small surprise, so that our excuse wouldn't be just a lie. We had decided to do a little research in the guild's archive on the various things Erza liked. Although we'd surely not be successful in the weapons and armor department, maybe we would find something else, a good recipe for cake, for example.

"Hey Natsu, look what I found!", I exclaimed and held up a book I found. "It's called 'Chasing The Dragon' and was apparently written by someone called Karel Ush 371 years ago! Maybe it contains information about dragons we don't know." (A/N: It's an AU, but it's X791, pre-GMG)

"Nice one, Lucy!", smiled Natsu. I handed him the book and we began to read it.

‑

"Hm, so long story short this Karel Ush was a traveling mage who met a guy called Hanf in Onibus. The guy told him that on the nearby mountain called Ghanja a dragon was living, guarding a treasure. Karel Ush hiked up the mountain and apparently found the treasure, but it was such a huge fortune that he only took a fraction with him. I wonder if the treasure is still there?", I contemplated, resting a finger on my chin.

"Well, wouldn't that be a good present for Erza? I mean, she doesn't need gold or anything, but maybe there's some magical weapons. Dragons love that stuff, at least in fairy tales.", suggested Gray.

"Yeah, we should totally go there. With or without Erza?", asked Natsu.

"With Erza, of course."

‑

We took the first train the next day, much to Natsu's dismay; the ride to Onibus took a few hours. We were all exited, but I was still skeptical. If there would be a dragon, or at least if one had lived there, wouldn't it be known? At least in local folklore this should have been mentioned. And the description of the dragon was not only rather vague, it even made me suspicious. It was said to have green scales, big claws with five fingers, and it breathes a suffocating, intoxicating smell. Still, I didn't say anything, for Natsu's sake.

The only problem had been, that no official map had mentioned a mountain called 'Ghanja', but together with Levy I was able to locate the mountain. It had a different name nowadays, but the locals still told legends about a beast with toxic breath living up there. This should match; and Karel Ush had described a few key features of the mountain, that should help us identify it.

‑

As soon as we arrived and began to hike towards the mountain, I could see those key futures. Now it was confirmed that the mountain in front of us was Mt. Ghanja.

"The dragon and its treasure are said to be in a valley or a cave at the top of the mountain.", said Gray.

"A dragon should be a formidable foe.", said Erza. "We should not let our guard down." We all nodded.

‑

We had walked the mountain up for three hours, following a trail. We were near it's peak, and a light scent waved in the air. Natsu had mentioned it a few minutes ago, but now we could smell it, too. He said it smelled familiar, maybe it really was a dragon?

After another half an hour, we saw a small passage between two rocks, indicating a valley. Natsu ran towards it, looking down. He froze and slowly said: "That...really is a treasure."

His behavior was rather strange; he showed no sign of excitement or fear, so there was no dragon? But the way he mentioned the treasure, he seemed a little disappointed. Maybe there were just empty crates left? We all rushed to him, looking down.

"Oh well. This really is a treasure. At least it's worth a fortune.", commented Gray dryly. In front of us was a valley that lingered with the scent – the scent of thousands of beautiful cannabis plants.

"This smell...are those poisonous plants?", asked Erza surprised. Apparently she didn't know the smell of marijuana.

"No, it's just weed...I mean, weeds.", corrected Gray hastily.

"Maybe the treasure is buried beneath?", wondered Erza. "I guess I'll get rid of the plants.", she said, requipping her Flame Empress armor.

"No no no!", we all three shouted, but it was too late. Erza unleashed a barrage of fire, burning all the plants, leaving behind a giant cloud of smoke.

"I can't believe she just destroyed the treasure...", I muttered.

"Well, that's Fairy Tail for you.", said Natsu.

"M-maybe some plants survived...", stuttered Gray with a glint of hope.

"Oh please, it's Erza we're talking about.", I said depressed. "More importantly, don't you feel that draft?", I added. All three looked at me.

"You're right...", said Natsu. "This way, the smoke will be wander to Onibus.", he said. Our jaws dropped, while Erza just looked at the valley, eager to dig up the treasure.

‑

This incident would later be broadcasted nationwide. Apparently some "unknown terrorists released a poisonous gas onto the city of Onibus, causing massive hallucinations". We kept our mouths shut and never explained Erza what happened, hoping she wouldn't figure it out. After that day, we never went out for a treasure hunt again. Sitting at home, puffing a little something and drinking fruit juice was much better, after all.

 **A/N: Honestly, that was by far the WORST story I've ever written. It doesn't make any sense, the characters are OOC, everything is just shitty. But I had fun writing it, and I haven't seen such a story so far. Honestly, I bet this story will get so many flames, but I don't care. I have much better stories to focus on, and I'm happy that this crack fic is out of my head.**


End file.
